Author: Anggun

I’ve been waking up to a ringing doorbell these past few weeks now and I miss the noise of those busy morning chores that no longer exist. Although everybody outside is rushed, my thoughts are hushed. I know the whole world is singing right now, but today I’ll be that petty little girl who whines every time someone offers her a candy. Sure I would get a lot of hate for that, but at least I am alone.

Innocent as I was, I used to think that when I grew bigger, the house I lived in will get smaller. Turns out it is the opposite. As it is the least favorite morning routine of mine, everyday I dragged myself across this huge empty house to a morning newspaper and asked myself why? I don’t read them, but a pile of untouched newspapers will certainly draw a lot of attention I don’t want.

Last night I overheard people are talking of how I died last summer and sure it feels like it, but I didn’t. The neighbors have finally put the lights out as I turned down the bill last week. I don’t care how bright the day is, today I wont let the sun comes in. I know life is not a competition nor it is a race, but clearly right now I’m not winning.

Lately I keep wondering why does our brain always worked a decade earlier at 3 am. It keeps worrying on uncertain things in the future, yet I have no idea if I am going to make it to the next day knowing that my childish-self just let me battled another sleepless night because she refused to let another day comes faster. Yes, she loves today so much that she refuses to let my biological clock and the whole solar-system make the decision on her behalf. It happens often, but today I am exhausted.

As usual, the tick on the clock is on its loudest mode and the crickets are not refusing to chimed in to that sound. I sometimes heard the wind knocking on my windows as the cats said a few hellos on their way. The room is dark, but I still can’t find a way to tricked myself into sleep. Maybe it is not the wisest thing to do, but I should have just given up and let her take the lead like some other nights.

I wonder when will that part of me realized that whether it is a person, a place, or a story she holds on dearly, she will eventually have to let go and let some others filled the narrative. As much as the selfish part of me wished for everything to stays, the sun is finally up and I have to get ready for my brother’s happiest day.